#15 in the series. Lets start off with the cover:
Even if I hadn't seen this cover since I first read the book forever ago, I could draw this from memory. Why oh why do they re-do the covers? The new cover is a complete abortion, and I simply cannot have it disgrace this blog (so you can see it here).My guess is that this is Lizzie, our narrator. The caption: "She was drop-dead beautiful..." Really? First off, she's got a skull for a face (but has amazing cheekbones) and, I'm no fashion guru, but a puffy pink satin dress is not my cup of tea. Then again, it was 1992. Her dress looks like every bridesmaids worst nightmare. My only hope is that there was a HUGE bow on the butt. To my surprise, this scene semi-happened in the book, which was rare for the series...or am i thinking of BSC? I'm losing my memory in my old age.
Anywho..we open in none other than a steamy girls locker room, every boys fantasy. Suddenly the slow jazz in the background stops and we learn a girl was found MURDERED in the Fear Street Woods. With such an early death, it's safe to assume there's going to be a high death count. Now lets meet our lovely candidates for prom queen at the assembly. Hold up. They need an assembly to go over details for prom? Isn't that what morning announcements are for? Then again no one listens to those.
Lizzie McVay - our narrator aka the boring one. She seems pretty boring...why was she even nominated? Her only appearance description includes having "long, curly...light brown" hair. She has a boyfriend, Kevin, that lives in Alabama because his dad is in the army and apparently a "Major Bummer" bc he won't let Kev travel to Shadyside for prom.
Dawn Rodgers: The jock. Right off the bat, she's a bitchy, smart-ass, so she becomes my favorite. She's an "ace at tennis and every other sport, including boys." Yeah, I lettered in boys my senior year of hs too. heh. Very confident and claims "no one can beat me at anything". My guess is this is where Nik Caner-Medley got his inspiration from. OH...and she loooves fist pumping. Did I mention she's my favorite?
Rachel West: The poor ditz, literally. First words out of her mouth are "for sure" and I begin to feel stabby. She thinks having her parents buy her a dog will save her from a killer. Too bad her fam is poor, and she has to work at 7-11. Plus she has red hair (UGH ginger kids). She's currently dating Gideon, some fuckwad that likes to give back rubs and thinks egotistical is a big word.
Simone Perry - The actress. Dresses like a tramp, or a transvestite, whatever. She's been the lead role of all Shadyside High performances. Very insecure and crazy. Sounds like someone we all know and love right? She's also crazy possessive over her boyfriend Justin.
Elana Potter - The popular one. She's fully aware of it. However, instead of being "hot" she was pretty in an "old fashioned way". I feel like that's just a nice way to say fug. I'd like to imagine her as Farrah from Teen Mom. She's popular, but really unfortunate looking. Her family is rich, & she gets straight A's without even trying. Yeah, she's def. going to die.
So there you have your five lovely contestants. After they are announced at the assembly, some creepy teacher announces prom will be held at Halsey Manor House. Sounds either totally fake or totally creepy. And OH! its in the FEAR STREET WOODS (where they found that dead chick..try to keep up please). Everyone freaks. You know what, suck it up losers, my prom was held in the worlds crappiest school gymnasium. And the prom queen gets 3 grand?! Rachel better win so she can give her 7-11 job to a deserving immigrant that needs to support his 13 member family on a minimum wage pay (too far? whatever, i'm nice in real life).
School lets out, and the prom queen hopefuls (who I guess are all friends?) head on over to the local pizzeria, because its the early '90s and thats where EVERYONE goes after school. I guess Rachel works the midnight to 7 shift at 7-11. In the hours of waiting it takes to get a greasy crap-tastic pizza they discuss how they have to give 2 minute speeches in front of the entire school! Huh? I thought winning prom queen was determined by how easy/bitchy you are in high school, not your eloquence or verbosity (Gideon would think I'm a total geek).
Simone sees Justin looking at some girl, so she rushes out to lay the smack-down on him. The rest of the girls hop on the gossip train and we learn that Dawn, Elana, AND Rachel (but what about Gideon?!) all went out with Justin. Damn Lizzie is faithful to that army brat. Don't you know its not cheating if its in a different area code?
Later that night, we travel to theater rehearsal because Lizzie is a lame wad and paints the scenery, while Simone is the "star". BUT! Simone is no where to be found. My guess is, she's dead. Rehearsal is canceled, so lame Lizzie goes over to Simone's to get the scoop. Her parents are clueless and assume she's upstairs. Lizzie goes upstairs to find Simone's room torn apart....and a dark puddle of blood, but no body. Alas! She sees the guy that did it in the backyard. While she can't really give a description of the dude, just that he was wearing a baseball hat, and a satin maroon baseball jacket (like Justin's perhaps?) and carrying a person-sized bag. Jeez cops, is that not enough info for you? Get on the fucking ball here and find this guy!
Enter Lucas. Lucas is your typical creepy, cross-eyed psychopath. Yet, Simone dated him? But only to get closer to Justin since they are both on the baseball team. Wait...did you say baseball team? He MUST have a maroon satin jacket then. He's got to be the killer. Lizzie really should become a detective. I mean, cross-eyed psychopaths are allowed to wear maroon too, right?
Oh no! Dawn gets the crap kicked out of her at the movies. Is no where in Shadyside safe anymore? God, she just wanted to get her Christian Slater fix. Luckily she's not killed and still in the running for prom queen. PHEW.
Its dark and stormy (perfect killin' weather if you ask me) and Rachel calls Lizzie sobbing and oopsie..the phone line goes dead. Detective Lizzie assumes she's being murdered so hops in her tercel (yeah, thats a toyota) and drives to the bad side of town by the woods. As it turns out, she's not being attacked, but Gideon broke up with her (probably bc she's a slut and went out with Justin). But wait! He's leaving her for Elana. But who will Rachel go to prom with now?! I guess Lizzie and Rachel will have to lesbo it up since it seems you can't go to prom without a date.
But OH NOES! Rachel is suddenly found dead! Who will be Lizzie's date now?! Now her and Dawn are paranoid and Lizzie has a weird dream of all the girls at prom wearing red dresses and their faces are "corpse like" (I guess the inspiration for the cover...close but you took it too far illustrator).
There are only 3 girls left. Elana deserves to die for her use of the word "scrungie". Its "scrunchie" you fucking moron. And she does! That'll teach her. Get your 90's clothing accessories straight. Only 2 girls left, Lizzie and Dawn. Lizzie still needs a date and has decided to not be lame and...wait for it....take her cousin to prom. But he's from another town, so its not weird. Except for the part that she's telling people she's bringing her cousin to prom.
In the long awaited climax, Dawn gets stabbed and almost dies. Lizzie watches the whole thing happen but doesn't seem to really do much because she's probably thinking of getting busy with her cousin (sicko). And Mr. Stine finally reveals the killer.....SIMONE. But wait, what? She's dead (haha..paper, snow..A GHOST!)
Nah, she staged her own death...and proceeded to go after the others? No, because that would just make too much sense. Instead she's suffering from the "no one cares about me" blues and decided to off anyone that went out with Justin. My main question is...why not kill Justin cause he sucks and cheated on you. I guess you really don't hate the player, hate the game (ephiphany!). But her delivery seems totally oscar worthy, so I'm all for it. They engage in an erotic scuffle and paramedics come to the rescue!
This waste of literature finally ends at prom. Lizzie's long lost boyfriend got to go to her prom (too bad for her cousin). Dawn survived and is beating off the boys with a stick (heh). It's a little unsettling though because I'm unsure if Simone died or ended up in jail or the nut house. Lifetime really needs to jump on board and make a movie to tie up the loose ends for me.
The Unicorn Club #11: Angels Keep Out
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